Reading Robot – Martha Reviews the Classics!

Well hello there, would you like some tea? A scone perhaps? Lovely. My name is BOOKBOTv21, but you can call me Martha. I have every scrap of famous literature on your planet programmed directly in my database, and my book club and I are here to review your classics.

Ladies, there’s nothing quite like a good book to really cool your circuits right before you enter sleep mode. Then there are those days when you just feel like putting your screensaver up and relaxing with the company of a thrilling romance novel. Oh trust me honey, I went through approximately 421,356 pages of text last time I played hooky!

Light reading doesn’t always cut it for me. Sure, it can be great to leaf through travel brochures on the Internet or maybe a few hundred blocks of HTML. It’s just that when I’m in the mood for heavy computing, I always turn instantly and unwaveringly to the classics.

Now, the book we’ll be reviewing today is Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. Quite an appropriate read given the economic crisis in our midst, wouldn’t you say? Oh my, yes.

Atlas Shrugged is approximately 561,996 words in length. Ayn Rand, whose real name is Alisa Zinov’yevna Rosenbaum according to the database, is the author.

ERROR 401, PLOT SUMMARY NOT FOUND.

The most commonly used word in the book is the word “mockingly.” On average it appears at least once every eight pages.

ERROR 563, SASSY LADY TALK NOT FOUND.

Well that’s all for me! Please join us next time as we discuss Life of Pi by Yann Martel. Ta-Ta for now!

PROGRAM ABORTED.

Boehner Prevents Shutdown on Planet Loompa

This story abducted from: http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0411/52836.html

Loompa-Land, Planet Loompa:

Tiny orange hands are shaking today in the Loompa-Land Congress as a pending government shutdown has been successfully avoided.

The Oompa-Loompas are hailing John Boehner, the conservative speaker of the house, as the man who singlehandedly prevented the shutdown by mediating an agreement between the two warring camps in congress.

Pundits say Boehner scored this victory not a moment too soon, as the traditionally Republican Oompa-Loompas across the planet are beginning to look towards the left for resolutions to their modern problems.

“The Lollipop Guild is a great union,” one Oompa-Loompa said, “it seems like they have big business in check and ultimately they don’t get exploited. We, on the other hand, are the ones who get exported to Wonka World and end up working for slave wages. That’s a fact.”

We caught up with the speaker of the house and asked him what he thought about the situation.

“We just went in there and did what we had to do today,” Boehner said plainly beneath a green wig, “Democrat or Republican, we both rolled our sleeves up and came to a satisfactory compromise.”

Still, it doesn’t look like the end of divisive politics in Loompa-Land. The agreement reached today will only postpone the budget problems, and many Oompa Loompas are bracing themselves for politics as usual at the planetary government level.

Greetings!

People of Earth! We come bearing important news. The Intergalactic News Council has deemed your news programs boring and not very fun to read. Seriously, have you taken a look at your headlines lately? Depressing shit. So, in order to remedy the situation, the council has decided to beam down the greatest team of journalists ever assembled outside the Milky Way to rebuild your news. Our crew of newsbots and alien correspondents is guaranteed to help your planet meet the INC journalistic standards of awesome.

Here’s the gist – we take one of your basic news stories, strap them to a rocket with cryogenic thrusters, and send that boring parcel of press into another dimension. Here’s a brief example:

If you have time, take a peek at our intro designed by our senior Earth correspondent Scotty X. Franklin! Scotty felt it necessary to warn you all that, due to recent interstellar budget cuts, he was forced to use a free third party video creation website. We’re sure it’s awesome, Scotty!

Our Low Budget Intro

END OF TRANSMISSION